Our Last Chapter
As I write this on my last day of my high school career, it feels a little bit ironic to reflect on Benji's closing chapter, his last moments before starting another school year. However, this chapter hit home in so many ways as I close up this chapter of my own life. When Benji was watching kids line up before running the Labor Day race, he asks two very subtly gut-wrenching questions: "Where was my replacement?" and "who was I replacing?" He looks through the start line, looking for the person that not only looked like him physically (the "knock-kneed creature in the green mesh T-shirt, with the scabbed knees and telltale messed-up Afro), but who also embodied his amount of self-confidence at that age, through body language (in the way that he carried himself, last place before he'd taken a step. But he'd give it a good try. Like he always did. They hadn't beaten that out of him yet").
So many moments today I asked myself these very same questions, this part of the novel resonating with me as I experienced my last Uni celebrations. Putting my handprint on the wall, I reminisced on how I watched the grades above me leave their marks, asking myself if I was really "doing it right" like the older kids. When the last bell rang -- the sound of the bell that we have heard for the past 4.5 years (since we got the old sound to play!) -- and we celebrated our last moment as Uni students, I was started tearing up. I didn't really understand why it hit me right then, until I realized that these last celebrations made me realize that this was really the end. I felt the same way Benji did as he narrates this book from an age distant from his 15-year-old self: nostalgic, but not in a way that he particularly wanted to go back to all these memories (I don't know if I would ever want to reassess any more math standards or repeat all those years of Uni High fitness), but in the way that he recalls all his memories in joy, with a heart of appreciation. He laughs at how big the world seemed to him when he was young, the anticipation of getting into the club seeming as important as the ability to breathe; I laugh at all the mistakes I've made and take in everything that Uni gave to me that made me into the person that I am today.
Like Benji asked himself, "who was my replacement?", I saw myself in the people not wearing lavender colored shirts who came to me with huge hugs, who still carry their hearts on their sleeves because "they hadn't beaten that out of (them) yet". Benji saw that still-lit fire inside of the knock-kneed creature in the line; I see drive and compassion within the rest of the classes of Uni. I have no doubt that the Class of 2019 will only be followed by other classes with that same energy and determination to become not only the best students but the best human beings they can be. (But our class will still always be the best. No apologies about that :) <3)
So I close this chapter of my life similar to how Benji did, reflecting on the past and planning for the future. There's been this underlying feeling that our era is ending, but I think it's important to stay optimistic and thankful and acknowledge that these past few years are something to be so proud of. Our time has really come.
So with the juniors, I leave to you that drive -- even if you do end up "in last place" as Benji might have -- to continue wanting to learn more and strive for your dreams. This next year will be a whirlwind, but I trust that you will succeed with any endeavor you set your mind to.
And to the three other seniors in this class, we did it. People say this isn't the end but rather it's just the beginning, and I think both Benji and I can agree with that -- there Ain't No Stopping Us Now.
So many moments today I asked myself these very same questions, this part of the novel resonating with me as I experienced my last Uni celebrations. Putting my handprint on the wall, I reminisced on how I watched the grades above me leave their marks, asking myself if I was really "doing it right" like the older kids. When the last bell rang -- the sound of the bell that we have heard for the past 4.5 years (since we got the old sound to play!) -- and we celebrated our last moment as Uni students, I was started tearing up. I didn't really understand why it hit me right then, until I realized that these last celebrations made me realize that this was really the end. I felt the same way Benji did as he narrates this book from an age distant from his 15-year-old self: nostalgic, but not in a way that he particularly wanted to go back to all these memories (I don't know if I would ever want to reassess any more math standards or repeat all those years of Uni High fitness), but in the way that he recalls all his memories in joy, with a heart of appreciation. He laughs at how big the world seemed to him when he was young, the anticipation of getting into the club seeming as important as the ability to breathe; I laugh at all the mistakes I've made and take in everything that Uni gave to me that made me into the person that I am today.
Like Benji asked himself, "who was my replacement?", I saw myself in the people not wearing lavender colored shirts who came to me with huge hugs, who still carry their hearts on their sleeves because "they hadn't beaten that out of (them) yet". Benji saw that still-lit fire inside of the knock-kneed creature in the line; I see drive and compassion within the rest of the classes of Uni. I have no doubt that the Class of 2019 will only be followed by other classes with that same energy and determination to become not only the best students but the best human beings they can be. (But our class will still always be the best. No apologies about that :) <3)
So I close this chapter of my life similar to how Benji did, reflecting on the past and planning for the future. There's been this underlying feeling that our era is ending, but I think it's important to stay optimistic and thankful and acknowledge that these past few years are something to be so proud of. Our time has really come.
So with the juniors, I leave to you that drive -- even if you do end up "in last place" as Benji might have -- to continue wanting to learn more and strive for your dreams. This next year will be a whirlwind, but I trust that you will succeed with any endeavor you set your mind to.
And to the three other seniors in this class, we did it. People say this isn't the end but rather it's just the beginning, and I think both Benji and I can agree with that -- there Ain't No Stopping Us Now.
This post almost made me cry! I am really going to miss the senior class and I am totally not ready to be the oldest class in the school. The more I think about next year, the more stressed out I feel. I know it is going to be okay and being able to hang out with you has been so much fun and I am glad to have gotten to know all you seniors. It is not going to be the same without you!
ReplyDeleteThis novel was a very good one to end the semester - it's all about endings. Right now, I see myself as Benji does during this chapter - he still has a few, handful summers left, but the magic of the feeling of infinite summers like these is almost wearing off, and he's acutely aware about how things will be ending soon. He's reflecting on both his past and his future. That's pretty much how I feel about my life in Uni and in Champaign-Urbana right now - I'm seeing all the seniors graduating and knowing it'll be me soon, but also looking at the underclassmen and seeing myself in them.
ReplyDeleteAww Grace, I felt this. No joke, I teared up a bit. I've always looked up to you and all the other seniors. You may not realize it, but you've left your mark on the hearts of many. You are so amazing and kind and I wished that I had reached out earlier. I still vividly remember being incredibly impressed by your dancing during the school assembly! I won't lie, I'm nervous about becoming a senior because that means we're going to be the students running the school. There's something so surreal about moving on to the next step of our lives. The second we look back, we notice we've walked (or I guess run because fitness) miles and we've finished another chapter in our lives. True, it may be the end of this chapter, but it's definitely not the end of your story. I know you've already this from my blog post, but I seriously wish you the best and don't forget to keep in contact with us!
ReplyDeletenice post. It's interesting being in a coming of age novel class, since we can both read the novels as literature and try to understand our own lives!
ReplyDeleteThis post really hit home for me. It's just starting to kick in for me that I'm going to be a senior next year, and I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I'm excited but also extremely surprised by how fast time passed by and I don't think I'm ready for adulthood. This post was really nice to read and congrats on graduating!! I wish you the best :)))
ReplyDeleteI love this post! It also made me cry a lil bit cause I'm going to miss you all so much! I like how you see graduation as the beginning of something new rather than the end. You're leaving Uni, but more importantly you're heading off to college equipped with everything you've learned here as well as the love from all your Uni friends. You've all made it so far, and there's really no stopping you!
ReplyDeleteYou're making me cry in the middle of class holy crap. The first floor is so empty without you guys and I thought we'd walk around, feeling cool, taking over the lounge, whatever, but its just this bittersweet feeling of emptiness. I miss you guys, and this post really hit home.
ReplyDelete